We had a lot of snow.I went out to help David and my son to clean out the driveway when a growth opportunity presented itself.
Whenever I try to help David with something, he gets anxious. There are a few reasons for this:
- His mind gets overwhelmed with anything out of order.
2. His Ego Mind wants to be in total control.
3. I do whatever I want most of the time so his Ego
Mind is already threatened to lose the control that it
craves for when I am involved.
4. His upbringing conditioned him not to be open to
accept help or new ways of doing things.
5. His method is spending a lot of time in details and
preparation whereas mine is jump right into things
and figure it out along the way.
He is completely immersed in his emotions while this kind of event is happening- which he perceives as HAPPENING TO HIM at that moment. I usually get frustrated with him repeating the same behaviors even though we talk about it afterward and he seems to get it. So I repeat my behaviors of either leaving the "crime scene" or trying to get him understand that he is doing it again.
I sometimes focus on the emotions that his emotions and reactions were creating in my body. (emotions are magnetic; it is easy to get affected by others' emotions)
This time when he started shouting, I just leaned on my shovel and stood there. I did not respond to what he was saying. I did not leave, either. I just stood there completely still, leaning on my shovel, showing no emotional reactions except for the tears coming down my face- could not stop that one, but working on it! He kept on with his usual triad.
Then he realized that I was not doing one my usual moves- leaving, preaching or reacting. Even though he was still screaming, his words changed and he started talking about his feelings rather than his usual uncalled for accusative statements. I kept just being there for him, giving him space to do whatever he needs to do to get this out of his system. It was very hard for me but I knew this was changing both of us.( One of my biggest challenges is what I perceive as "unfair" treatment)
Finally he stopped and started apologizing. I still didn't say a word, just stood in the same posture, looking straight ahead with tears rolling. Then he started asking if I was "angry,.... sad,.... frustrated,....or hate him" For each one I gently shook my head meaning no. He calmed down feeling safe about his anger. Normally he hates himself after throwing one of his tantrums. This time he was allowed to do so. Then he put his arm around me and just stood there, NOT knowing. It was a powerful moment. I stood there allowing him to put his arm around me. I didn't reject him as I usually do after what I perceive as an unfair burst out rather than showing gratitude for me trying to help.
Meanwhile my son was watching nearby, making sure that I was OK and David was OK but this time leaving us alone. Normally he would come in and first try to help me calm down, and then try to work David up because he feels so down about what he knows that I did not deserve.
The moment I change my judgments and reactions about what my mind perceives as "unfair" David's and other people's training for me will cease to exist.
"Being defeated is often only a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent."-- Marilyn vos Savant
Who is training you about what you need to change?